Friday, January 20, 2006

The New Year Has Begun!!

Well the first month of 2006 has almost past and I find myself with a little time to jot down a few thought and the latest in my life. I'm not sure what to say other than we ended and began with the flu, colds and running to the doctor for this one and that one. School began and I fell apart to some degree, still trying to keep it altogether with the hope that this too shall pass. I am taking each day as it comes, one day at a time, hoping to find the energy to do all that I need to do. I feel myself fading away, I feel myself falling into a place of dispair yet my heart and brain knows that the KING is with me and that I will make it through the rough waters. I have had to give into another type of medication for my Fibromyalgia which for me is a form of defeat, but I know in the back of my mind I will overcome it all again as I have in the past. I just have to lessen the load of stress I have in my life. A big part of that will come in June so I feel like I'm existing and going through the motions and hoping that Oh God give me the strength each day that I open my eyes. I am not making this New Year sound very good, it is good in other areas. Like finally they have found a french teacher in the commuity that I live nearby and I will be starting my french course next week. So going to school and learning again will be very good for me. Also my buisness with Partylite is picking up a little more than in 2005; my son will be graduating in June and my boys will be going to school full time in September. Which will enable me to have time to keep my house clean during the day and ready to take them to after school activities. I look forward to the six hours a day of learning more about the computer, taking care of buisness in the day not having to hire sitters all the time and just having a few extra hours to spend with a girlfriend, or with God in prayer, or whatever my heart would desire. Like for example I have a friend who has been hear for over a month now and I feel so horribly guilty as I have only been able to see her once since she has been here. We have played phone tag but unable to connect much and I would so much like to have had more time with her. I am hoping we will connect at least one or two more times before she has to leave at the end of the month. Then I had a really good friend have to go away and work as well which was a bitter/sweet thing as it was the right thing for her to have to do for herself. There was also alot of other disappointing things that occurred upon which I just had to push myself to get through. I have managed to do so but I'm feeling there is a big part of me that has been lost. I will be okay, I know that as I have to be I have a family to look after; to be there for. I was basically told as well by someone that I was not allowed to fall apart or be weak. So I am trying very hard to keep it all together with my sanity; trying not to disappoint people to much. I believe some people have seen my stresses with my mood swings, my being on edge. Kind of funny I though I was managaing well, when I had a good friend here over the holidays and she kept saying to me what's wrong, what's wrong you seem so grouchy. I thought no I'm okay at least that was my response to her, I said nothing I'm okay. It was not until after she left that I began to think what is she talking about, is it really that apparent. That when I gave in and thought I needed something to take the edge off and went to the doctor myself for happy pills. Not really but they do allow me to carry on without being overly anxious about life and all that goings on. You know though doesn't matter who you talk to, it seems like all of us to some degree are going through some kind of whatever. Why I don't know but life seems to be a somewhat of a challenge. WE all make it through, some of us may be a little harder, some a little wiser, some have made gains in who they have become and ready to take on the next steps that are ahead. Well I am falling asleep and I think I have whined enough for the entire year, so hopefully my next note will be on a much more positive note. I hope I have not scared you all away from my blog site. Night y'all.